tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-41627511231415935782024-03-07T20:34:48.482-08:00Scottish jokesUnknownnoreply@blogger.comBlogger32125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4162751123141593578.post-4951435140264621632013-12-16T10:49:00.002-08:002013-12-16T10:50:28.355-08:00RobbersTwo robbers broke into a boarding house in <a href="http://www.scotlandpictures.net/glasgow" target="_blank">Glasgow</a> in search of money. A
fierce struggle ensued. "We didn't do too badly," said one of them
afterwards. "We came out with twenty pounds." "But we had fifty when we
went in," complained the other.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4162751123141593578.post-74984750492582229712013-12-16T10:48:00.000-08:002013-12-16T10:48:14.951-08:00Good SamaritanThe Scottish minister was preaching on the parable of the Good
Samaritan. He felt he had better explain to his congregation why the
priest had passed the victim by. "And why <span class="IL_AD" id="IL_AD7">do you think</span>
the priest passed him by?" he asked the congregation rhetorically.
"Because he saw that the man had already been robbed," came a voice from
the back row.<br /> Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4162751123141593578.post-18807223502910038282013-12-16T10:47:00.002-08:002013-12-16T10:47:19.822-08:00Taxi rideA Scotsman took a girl for a taxi ride. She was so beautiful he could hardly keep his eyes on the meter.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4162751123141593578.post-85496200162918685342013-12-16T10:46:00.003-08:002013-12-16T10:46:22.233-08:00Girl born on February 29And then there was the Scotsman who married a girl born on February 29
so he'd only have to buy her a birthday present every four years.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4162751123141593578.post-78824921011927269332013-12-16T10:45:00.002-08:002013-12-16T10:45:25.161-08:00Scottish bakerThere was a Scottish baker who tried to economise by making a bigger
hole in his doughnuts. He discovered, though, that the bigger the hole,
the more dough it took to go round it.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4162751123141593578.post-41088350874815451482013-12-16T10:44:00.002-08:002013-12-16T10:44:40.726-08:00Strangest Scottish accent"Where do you come from?" the Scotsman asked an American. "From the
greatest country in the world," replied the American. "Funny," said the
Scotsman, "you've got the strangest Scottish accent I've ever heard."Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4162751123141593578.post-2912971506423406912013-12-16T10:43:00.002-08:002013-12-16T10:43:47.257-08:00Cure for sea sicknessThe Scots have found an infallible cure for sea sickness: Lean over the side of the ship with a ten pence coin in your mouth.<br /> Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4162751123141593578.post-7659688676351514982013-12-16T10:41:00.003-08:002013-12-16T10:41:35.658-08:00Why Scotsmen wear kiltsRecent historical research has revealed why Scotsmen wear kilts. In 1317 Sandy McNab won a lady's tartan skirt in a raffle.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4162751123141593578.post-24475729478715831162013-12-16T10:40:00.002-08:002013-12-16T10:40:30.168-08:00Two ticketsMcTavish suffered a brainstorm and bought two tickets in a raffle. He
won one thousand pounds. "How do you feel about your big win?" McNab
asked him. "Disappointed," said McTavish, "The other ticket didn't win a
thing."<br /> Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4162751123141593578.post-38282348640918400072013-12-16T10:34:00.001-08:002013-12-16T10:34:16.852-08:00Shirt and a five pound noteA Scotsman went on a week's holiday to London taking with him a shirt
and a five pound note. When he returned home he hadn't changed either of
them!Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4162751123141593578.post-16648060067106686602013-12-16T10:33:00.002-08:002013-12-16T10:33:19.195-08:00Scottish soccerA Scottish soccer fan told his friend, "My dog watches all the games.
When my team wins it jumps up and down and claps its paws. When we lose
it somersaults." "How many somersaults?" asked his impressed friend. The
soccer fan replied, "It depends how often I kick it."<br /> Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4162751123141593578.post-70451138619530152862013-12-16T10:32:00.000-08:002013-12-16T10:32:06.432-08:00Bus faresA meeting was held in a Scottish town to protest about the fact that bus
fares had been reduced. Citizens were outraged because previously they
had saved twenty pence by not using the buses whereas now they were only
saving fifteen pence.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4162751123141593578.post-60900144363037648632013-12-16T10:30:00.001-08:002013-12-16T10:30:25.884-08:00Any teethGrandpa, have you got any teeth?" the Scots boy enquired of his
grandfather. "No," the grandfather replied. "Well in that case, hold my
bag of sweets while I go out and play."Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4162751123141593578.post-69980895132116562832013-12-16T10:28:00.002-08:002013-12-16T10:28:31.631-08:00Single ticketMcDougal was on his way by train from Aberdeen <span class="IL_AD" id="IL_AD2">to Glasgow</span> to undergo a serious heart operation. He bought <span class="IL_AD" id="IL_AD6">a single</span> ticket.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4162751123141593578.post-55376117667614022272013-12-16T10:27:00.003-08:002013-12-16T10:27:45.988-08:00FishermanMcTavish, the Scottish angler died and was met at the Golden Gates by
Saint Peter. "You've told too many lies to come in here," said Saint
Peter. "Have a heart," replied McTavish, "you were a fisherman yourself
once."Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4162751123141593578.post-38541925407439645142013-12-16T10:25:00.003-08:002013-12-16T10:25:47.118-08:00GolfWhy are Scotsmen so good at golf? They realise that the fewer times they hit the ball the longer it will last.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4162751123141593578.post-28427405394376566902013-12-16T10:23:00.002-08:002013-12-16T10:23:31.069-08:00SilenceA Scotsman was playing golf with a church elder. On the last hole the
Scotsman missed a six-inch putt which cost him the match but, out of
deference to his playing partner's status, he said absolutely nothing.
"That," said the elder, "was the most profane silence I have ever
heard."<br /> Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4162751123141593578.post-4594234338437640552013-12-16T10:22:00.002-08:002013-12-16T10:22:45.084-08:00Toilet brushA Scotsman won a <span class="IL_AD" id="IL_AD9">toilet brush</span> as
the booby prize in a raffle. He had never won anything before, though,
so he was delighted. A few weeks later a friend asked if he was getting
much use from the toilet brush. "Well," came the reply, "I don't think much of it. I think I'll go back to using toilet paper."Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4162751123141593578.post-20060206202997618632013-12-16T10:21:00.002-08:002013-12-16T10:21:35.429-08:00Marriage A Scotsman decided to get married so one morning he sent messages to
three of his girlfriends, proposing marriage. Two phoned immediately to
say "yes' while the third phoned that night to say the same. He married
the third girl saying, "The lass for me is the one who waits for the
cheap rates."Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4162751123141593578.post-28318116746184741432013-12-16T10:19:00.005-08:002013-12-16T10:19:46.971-08:00Scottish golf courseSign at a Scottish golf course: "Members will refrain from picking up lost balls until they have stopped rolling."Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4162751123141593578.post-13075259312570889952013-12-16T10:19:00.002-08:002013-12-16T10:19:15.885-08:00ButtonsScottish preacher to his congregation: "I don't mind you putting buttons
in the collection plate, but please provide your own buttons. Stop
pulling them off <span class="IL_AD" id="IL_AD5">the church</span> cushions."Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4162751123141593578.post-55457860049946179312013-12-16T10:17:00.003-08:002013-12-16T10:17:42.715-08:00I ran homeJamie burst into the house and proudly announced to his father, "I ran
home behind the bus and saved ten pence." To which his father replied,
"You could have done better son. You could have run home behind a taxi
and saved five pounds."Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4162751123141593578.post-70266335000203085632013-12-16T10:16:00.002-08:002013-12-16T10:16:23.426-08:00BagpipesThere are many theories about the bagpipes, otherwise known as the <span class="IL_AD" id="IL_AD10">missing link</span>
between music and noise. Some say they were invented by a Scotsman who
trod on his cat and liked the noise. Others claim that they are based on
the noise made by a dying octopus. <span class="IL_AD" id="IL_AD12">The truth</span> is, however, that they were given to the Scots by the Irish as a joke -but the Scots haven't seen the joke yet!Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4162751123141593578.post-62983215200818713342013-12-16T10:14:00.003-08:002013-12-16T10:14:55.915-08:00Playing the bagpipesA Scotsman visited London for his annual holiday and stayed at a large
hotel. However, he didn't feel that the natives were very friendly. "At
three o'clock every morning," he told a friend, "they hammered on my
bedroom door, one the walls, even on the floor and ceiling. Sometimes
they hammered so loud I could hardly hear myself playing the bagpipes.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4162751123141593578.post-4593316492048788742013-12-16T10:11:00.003-08:002013-12-16T10:11:43.393-08:00Lost in HighlandsAn American was hopelessly lost in the <a href="http://www.scotlandpictures.net/highland" target="_blank">Highlands</a> and wandered about for
nearly a week. Finally, on the seventh day he met a kilted inhabitant.
"Thank heaven I've met someone," he cried. "I've been lost for the last
week." "Is there a reward out for you?" asked the Scotsman. "No," said
the American. "Then I'm afraid you're still lost," was the reply.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0