Robbers

Two robbers broke into a boarding house in Glasgow in search of money. A fierce struggle ensued. "We didn't do too badly," said one of them afterwards. "We came out with twenty pounds." "But we had fifty when we went in," complained the other.

Good Samaritan

The Scottish minister was preaching on the parable of the Good Samaritan. He felt he had better explain to his congregation why the priest had passed the victim by. "And why do you think the priest passed him by?" he asked the congregation rhetorically. "Because he saw that the man had already been robbed," came a voice from the back row.

Taxi ride

A Scotsman took a girl for a taxi ride. She was so beautiful he could hardly keep his eyes on the meter.

Girl born on February 29

And then there was the Scotsman who married a girl born on February 29 so he'd only have to buy her a birthday present every four years.

Scottish baker

There was a Scottish baker who tried to economise by making a bigger hole in his doughnuts. He discovered, though, that the bigger the hole, the more dough it took to go round it.

Strangest Scottish accent

"Where do you come from?" the Scotsman asked an American. "From the greatest country in the world," replied the American. "Funny," said the Scotsman, "you've got the strangest Scottish accent I've ever heard."

Cure for sea sickness

The Scots have found an infallible cure for sea sickness: Lean over the side of the ship with a ten pence coin in your mouth.

Why Scotsmen wear kilts

Recent historical research has revealed why Scotsmen wear kilts. In 1317 Sandy McNab won a lady's tartan skirt in a raffle.

Two tickets

McTavish suffered a brainstorm and bought two tickets in a raffle. He won one thousand pounds. "How do you feel about your big win?" McNab asked him. "Disappointed," said McTavish, "The other ticket didn't win a thing."

Shirt and a five pound note

A Scotsman went on a week's holiday to London taking with him a shirt and a five pound note. When he returned home he hadn't changed either of them!

Scottish soccer

A Scottish soccer fan told his friend, "My dog watches all the games. When my team wins it jumps up and down and claps its paws. When we lose it somersaults." "How many somersaults?" asked his impressed friend. The soccer fan replied, "It depends how often I kick it."

Bus fares

A meeting was held in a Scottish town to protest about the fact that bus fares had been reduced. Citizens were outraged because previously they had saved twenty pence by not using the buses whereas now they were only saving fifteen pence.

Any teeth

Grandpa, have you got any teeth?" the Scots boy enquired of his grandfather. "No," the grandfather replied. "Well in that case, hold my bag of sweets while I go out and play."

Single ticket

McDougal was on his way by train from Aberdeen to Glasgow to undergo a serious heart operation. He bought a single ticket.

Fisherman

McTavish, the Scottish angler died and was met at the Golden Gates by Saint Peter. "You've told too many lies to come in here," said Saint Peter. "Have a heart," replied McTavish, "you were a fisherman yourself once."

Golf

Why are Scotsmen so good at golf? They realise that the fewer times they hit the ball the longer it will last.

Silence

A Scotsman was playing golf with a church elder. On the last hole the Scotsman missed a six-inch putt which cost him the match but, out of deference to his playing partner's status, he said absolutely nothing. "That," said the elder, "was the most profane silence I have ever heard."

Toilet brush

A Scotsman won a toilet brush as the booby prize in a raffle. He had never won anything before, though, so he was delighted. A few weeks later a friend asked if he was getting much use from the toilet brush. "Well," came the reply, "I don't think much of it. I think I'll go back to using toilet paper."

Marriage

A Scotsman decided to get married so one morning he sent messages to three of his girlfriends, proposing marriage. Two phoned immediately to say "yes' while the third phoned that night to say the same. He married the third girl saying, "The lass for me is the one who waits for the cheap rates."

Scottish golf course

Sign at a Scottish golf course: "Members will refrain from picking up lost balls until they have stopped rolling."

Buttons

Scottish preacher to his congregation: "I don't mind you putting buttons in the collection plate, but please provide your own buttons. Stop pulling them off the church cushions."

I ran home

Jamie burst into the house and proudly announced to his father, "I ran home behind the bus and saved ten pence." To which his father replied, "You could have done better son. You could have run home behind a taxi and saved five pounds."

Bagpipes

There are many theories about the bagpipes, otherwise known as the missing link between music and noise. Some say they were invented by a Scotsman who trod on his cat and liked the noise. Others claim that they are based on the noise made by a dying octopus. The truth is, however, that they were given to the Scots by the Irish as a joke -but the Scots haven't seen the joke yet!

Playing the bagpipes

A Scotsman visited London for his annual holiday and stayed at a large hotel. However, he didn't feel that the natives were very friendly. "At three o'clock every morning," he told a friend, "they hammered on my bedroom door, one the walls, even on the floor and ceiling. Sometimes they hammered so loud I could hardly hear myself playing the bagpipes.

Lost in Highlands

An American was hopelessly lost in the Highlands and wandered about for nearly a week. Finally, on the seventh day he met a kilted inhabitant. "Thank heaven I've met someone," he cried. "I've been lost for the last week." "Is there a reward out for you?" asked the Scotsman. "No," said the American. "Then I'm afraid you're still lost," was the reply.

Scottish churches

Why are so many Scottish churches circular? So nobody can hide in the corners during the collection.

Airplane ride

Jock was out working the field when a barnstormer landed.
"I'll give you an airplane ride for £5," said the pilot.
"Sorry, cannae afford it," replied Jock.
"Tell you what," said the pilot, "I'll give you and your wife a free ride if you promise not to yell. Otherwise it'll be £10."
So up they went and the pilot rolled, looped, stalled and did all he could to scare Jock. Nothing worked and the defeated pilot finally landed the plane. Turning around to the rear seat he said, "Gotta hand it to you. For country folk you sure are brave!"
"Aye," said Jock "But ye nearly had me there when the wife fell oot!"

10 Funny Scottish Jokes

1. Tourist: " I'm sorry, waiter, but I only have enough money for the bill. I have nothing left for a tip."Highland Waiter: " Let me add up that bill again sir."
2. Sandy became depressed and decided to end it all by hanging himself. However, his friend Donald came along in the nick of time, cut the rope and saved his life. Sandy, true to form, sent Donald a bill for the cost of the rope.
3. Donald: " Have you ever seen one of those new machines that can tell when a person is telling a lie ? " Sandy: " Seen one ? I married one ! "
4. Tony Blair visits the hospital, Tony Blair, the British Prime Minister, is being shown around a hospital. Towards the end of the visit, he is shown into a ward with a number people with no obvious signs of injury or disease. He goes to greet the first patient and the chap replies: "Fair fa' your honest sonsie face, Great chieftain e' the puddin' race! Aboon them a' ye tak your place, Painch, tripe, or thairm; Weel are ye wordy o' a grace as lang's my arm." Tony, being somewhat confused (easily done) goes to the next patient and greets him. The patient replies: "Some hae meat, and canna eat, and some wad eat that want it, but we hae meat and can eat, and sae the Lord be thankit."The third starts rattling off as follows: "Wee sleekit, cow'rin, tim'rous beastie, O, what a panic's in thy breastie! Thou need na start awa sae hasty, wi bickering brattle! I wad be laith to rin an chase thee, wi murdering pattle!" Tony turns to the doctor accompanying him and asks what sort of ward is this. A mental ward? "No," replies the doctor, "It's the Burns unit."
5. What's the difference between a Scotsman and a Rolling Stone? A Rolling Stone says "hey you, get off of my cloud!", while a Scotsman says "Hey McLeod, get off of my ewe!"
6. 6. Filming in Scotland can be a difficult task given the ever-changing patterns of weather - as the old saying goes - want to experience four seasons? Come to Scotland on a day trip! A film crew were filming in the highlands when an old Gaelic seer came hobbling by"Tommorow rain." he informed them and hobbled on Sure enough it rained the very next day. Again he hobbled past. "Tomorrow sunshine." he let them know, and it was indeed a fine sunny day the next day, The director was mighty impressed and got the crew to hire him and every day the wise old sage predicted accurately what the weather would be. But after a couple of weeks the old man didn't show up and eventually the director found him in a bothy "Hey, we need your predictions, why aren't you showing up." "Radio broken." the old man replied.

7. Big Shuggie is on holiday and is stuck at the airport, and proceeds to get very drunk.After about his tenth big swig at his bottle a little Japanese man accidentally bumps into him, causing the bottle to smash to the floor. Big Shuggie is furious, he grabs the wee fellah demanding recompense and drags him out of the building. Next thing he returns with bruises all over his face. Behind him is the Japanese man who is smiling. "It is just a small Japanese thing," he explained to the crowd of waiting passengers, who were astonished, "We call it aikido." But despite having been overwhelmed and tossed to the pavement, Big Shuggie's ire builds up and once more he challenges the Japanese man to 'go ootside' They do and within a couple of minutes Shuggie is limping back into the building, with the smiling Japanese man behind him "It is just a small Japanese thing," he explains once more to the impressed crowd, "We call it karate." As the effects of his mauling at the hands of the wee man wears off, Big Shuggie once more bellows at the Japanese guy that he wants to take him outside and 'batter him wan' Sighing and shrugging his shoulders, the Japanese man accompanies Shuggie outside. A couple of minutes later the hushed crowd hear a thud, and Shuggie comes striding back into the airport building, beaming like a champion, "It wiz just a small Japanese thing," he explains to them, "The bumper aff a Toyota!"
8. A teacher is asking the children in class about their ambitions in life and to tell the class in a rhyme..The class favourite puts up his hand, Miss, "My name is Dan,and when I'm a man,I would like to go to China and Japan".. "Very good Dan" comments the teacher. "Miss" cries out the class beauty,"My name is Mary Grady,When I become a lady,I would like to have a baby,Maybe".. Very good Mary..anyone else? The wee Govan Terror at the back of the class stands up "Haw Miss,My name is also Dan, bugger China and Japan,If Mary Grady wants a baby......Dan's yir bliddy man!!!
9. Wee Shuggie is in a terrible state and goes to see a private therapist, too terrified to go to a doctor in case they declare him mad! "So how can I help?" asks the therapist "It's like this, Ah've started getting these fears at night, and they are getting worse! I keep thinking somebody is under the bed, so I go down under it to look and no-one's there, immediately, my brain tells me there's somebody on top of it and this goes on all night - under - top - under - top. It's driving me mental!" The therapist thinks for a bit and says, "I am positive I can cure you of this." "Oh great!" says Wee Shuggie "Now, I want you to come and see me twice a week for the next six months for a two hour session each time." says the therapist making some notes "And how much will that be?" asks wee Shuggie "£60 per session" the therapist informs him Shuggie leaves, troubled at the thought of all that money and goes for a consoling drink at his local. The therapist never sees wee Shuggie again, until one day months later he bumps into him in the street. He is surprised to see him look so well, not the sleep-deprived maniac he had last seen "Why did you never come back?" he asks Shug "At £60 a pop, twice a week for six months? You must be kidding! The barman at the local cured me for a tenner!" "How on earth did he do that?" "He told me to buy a saw and cut the legs off the bed!"
10.A Scotsman walked into a supermarket with his zipper down. A lady cashier walked up to him and said, "Your barracks door is open." This is not a phrase we Scotsmen normally use so he went on his way looking a bit puzzled. When he was about done shopping, a man came up and said, "Your fly is open." He zipped up and finished his shopping. He then intentionally got in the line to check out where the lady was who told him about his "barracks door." He was planning to have a little fun with her. When he reached her counter he said, "When you saw my barracks door open did you see a Scottish soldier standing in there at attention?" The lady thought for a moment and said, "No, no. I didn't. All I saw was a disabled veteran sitting on two duffle bags!!! .

Ten Scottish proverbs

1. No matter how much you applaud a jukebox, you have put another quarter in for an encore.
2. A little bit of disagreement keeps the talk long.Too much agreement kills a conversation.
3. He who marries a chicken soon gets henpecked.
4. Man proposes, God disposes.
5. Better be the lucky man than the lucky man's son.
6. Hang a thief when he's young, an he'll no steal when he's auld.
7. Him that's born to be hanged will never be drowned.
8. She spend's money like a woman with no hands!!! .
9. Like the wife's tongue, often better meant than timed.
10. Marriages are all happy, it's having breakfast together that causes most of the trouble.

Dry-cleaners

Jock & Jimmy were walking along a street in London.
Jock looked in one of the shop windows and saw a sign that caught his eye.
The sign read, "Suits £5.00 each, Shirts £2.00 each, trousers £2.50 per pair".
Jock said to his pal, "Look at the prices! We could buy a whole lot of these and when we get back to Scotland we could make a fortune.
Now when we go in you stay quiet, okay? Let me do all the talking cause if they hear our accents, they might think we are cheap Scotsmen and try to screw us. I'll put on my best London accent".
"OK Jock, I'll keep me mouth shut" said Jimmy
They go in and Jock said in a posh voice, "Hello my good man. I'll take 50 suits at £5.00 each, 100 shirts at £2.00 each, and 50 pairs of trousers at £2.50 each. I'll back up me truck ready to load them on, old chap!
The owner of the shop said quietly, "You're from Scotland, aren't you?"
"Well yes," said a surprised Jock. "What gave it away?"
The owner replied, "This is a dry-cleaners........" !

Butcher in Scotland

A woman goes into a butcher in Scotland and the butcher is standing with his back to the fire. The woman examines his meat and asks: 'Is that your Ayrshire Bacon?' 'No!' he replies. 'It's just my hands I'm

Restaurant check

A Scotsmen and a Jewish man were having a magnificent meal at one of the finest restaurants in New York . At the end of the evening the waiter came over to present the check and a Scottish voice said "that's all right laddie just gae the check to me". The headlines in the local newspaper next day proclaimed "Jewish ventriloquist found beaten to death".